How to Rest When You Feel Like You Don't Deserve It: 3 Steps to Break the Cycle

How to Rest When You Feel Like You Don't Deserve It: 3 Steps to Break the Cycle

Sis,

I was running on empty, but I kept running anyway.

Picture this: single mom, master's degree student, caring for my mother who had just been diagnosed with cancer, homeowner trying to keep everything together, and running a nonprofit full-time without taking a salary. SAFE was helping survivors of domestic violence rebuild their lives, and I felt like if I stopped for even a moment, someone might not get the help they desperately needed.

I would work until 2 or 3 AM, then crawl out of bed a few hours later to get my girls ready for school. I survived on coffee, determination, and the belief that rest was something other people got to do. Sleep was optional. Proper meals were a luxury I couldn't afford. Regular checkups? What checkups? I was too busy keeping everyone else alive and thriving to worry about my own body.

I told myself I didn't have time to rest. But if I'm honest, there was something deeper going on. I didn't feel like I deserved to rest. Not when my mom was fighting cancer. Not when survivors were counting on me. Not when my child needed me to be everything to everyone.

Rest felt selfish. Rest felt like giving up. Rest felt like a privilege I hadn't earned yet.

It took major health challenges years later for me to realize the truth: I hadn't been strong. I'd been slowly destroying myself in the name of serving others.

The Cost of Feeling Unworthy

Here's what no one tells you about running on empty for too long: your body will eventually present you with a bill you can't ignore. Mine came in the form of health challenges that could have been prevented if I had just taken care of myself along the way.

Lying in that hospital bed, I realized I had spent years treating my body like an inconvenience instead of the vessel that was allowing me to serve others. I had convinced myself that self-care was selfish, that rest was earned through exhaustion, that my worth was measured by how much I could sacrifice.

But what if I had been wrong about all of it?

What if rest wasn't something I had to earn, but something I needed in order to keep serving well? What if taking care of myself wasn't selfish, but actually essential to taking care of others? What if feeling "unworthy" of rest was just programming I had picked up somewhere along the way, not truth?

If you're reading this and feeling like rest is a luxury you can't afford, or like you haven't done enough to deserve a break, I need you to know something: that feeling is lying to you.

Why We Feel Unworthy of Rest

Before we dive into how to rest without guilt, let's talk about why so many of us struggle with this in the first place.

We've been taught that rest must be earned. Somewhere along the way, we picked up the message that we have to work ourselves to exhaustion before we're allowed to stop. That rest is the reward for productivity, not a basic human need.

We've confused our worth with our work. When your identity becomes wrapped up in what you do rather than who you are, stopping feels like disappearing. If you're not producing, achieving, or helping someone, who are you?

We carry guilt about having needs. Many of us learned early that our needs were inconvenient or secondary to everyone else's. We learned to minimize our own requirements and maximize our service to others.

We've bought into the "strong woman" myth. The idea that real strength means never needing help, never taking breaks, never admitting you're tired. This myth has convinced us that needing rest is weakness instead of wisdom.

But here's the truth: God created rest before He created work. The Sabbath wasn't a reward for a productive week. It was a gift, a rhythm, a recognition that we are human beings, not human doings.

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light." - Matthew 11:28-30

Jesus himself invites us to rest. Not after we've earned it, but because we need it.

Step 1: Permission - Give Yourself What You've Been Waiting For

The first step to resting without guilt is recognizing that you're the only one who can give yourself permission to rest. You've been waiting for someone else to tell you it's okay, for circumstances to be perfect, for everyone else to be taken care of first. But that permission isn't coming from outside. It has to come from you.

Start with these truth statements:

  • "My body is not a machine. It needs rest to function well."
  • "Rest is not earned through exhaustion. It's required for sustainability."
  • "Taking care of myself allows me to take better care of others."
  • "I am worthy of rest simply because I am human."

Challenge the guilt when it comes up. When you feel guilty for resting, ask yourself: "Would I want someone I love to feel guilty for taking care of their basic needs?" The answer is always no. Extend that same compassion to yourself.

Remember that rest is stewardship, not selfishness. You are stewarding your body, your energy, your capacity. Running yourself into the ground isn't noble. It's poor stewardship of the life you've been given.

Give yourself permission to start small. You don't have to take a week-long vacation to begin practicing rest. Permission can start with a 10-minute break, a full night's sleep, or saying no to one extra commitment.

Step 2: Practice - Start Where You Are

Permission without practice is just good intentions. Once you've given yourself permission to rest, you need to start actually doing it, even if it feels uncomfortable at first.

Begin with micro-rest. If the idea of "resting" feels overwhelming or impossible, start with tiny moments. Take five deep breaths before checking your phone in the morning. Sit in your car for two minutes before going into the grocery store. Drink your tea without multitasking.

Schedule rest like an appointment. Put it on your calendar and treat it as seriously as you would any other important commitment. Start with 15-30 minutes of non-negotiable rest time each day.

Practice saying no without over-explaining. "I'm not available for that" is a complete sentence. You don't have to justify your boundaries or convince anyone that your rest is necessary.

Create a rest ritual. This could be as simple as lighting a candle, putting on soft music, or changing into comfortable clothes. Having a ritual signals to your brain and body that it's time to shift into rest mode.

Notice what actually restores you. Rest isn't one-size-fits-all. For some people, it's complete stillness. For others, it's gentle movement, creative activities, or time in nature. Pay attention to what actually fills you up rather than drains you.

Start protecting your sleep. Good sleep is the foundation of everything else. Begin by establishing a bedtime routine and protecting your sleep like the non-negotiable it is.

Step 3: Progress - Build on Small Wins

The goal isn't to become perfect at resting overnight. The goal is to make consistent progress toward a more sustainable way of living.

Celebrate small victories. Did you take a lunch break without working? Win. Did you go to bed 30 minutes earlier? Win. Did you say no to something that would have overextended you? Win. Acknowledge these moments as progress, not as bare minimum.

Notice how rest affects your capacity. Pay attention to how you feel and function when you're well-rested versus when you're running on empty. Let the evidence of rest's benefits motivate you to continue prioritizing it.

Gradually increase your rest practices. As small moments of rest become more natural, you can expand. Maybe that 15-minute daily rest becomes 30 minutes. Maybe you add a weekly sabbath practice. Maybe you plan actual vacations without guilt.

Address the underlying beliefs. As you practice rest, old beliefs about worthiness and productivity will come up. When they do, challenge them with truth. "I am worthy of care because I am human, not because of what I accomplish."

Build a support system. Surround yourself with people who understand that rest isn't laziness, it's wisdom. Find friends who will encourage your boundaries rather than guilt you for having them.

Plan for setbacks. There will be busy seasons when rest feels harder to prioritize. Instead of abandoning it completely, scale back to your micro-rest practices. Progress isn't linear, and that's okay.

The Ripple Effect of Well-Rested Women

Here's something beautiful that happens when you start resting without guilt: you give other women permission to do the same. When you model sustainable living, you break the cycle of glorified exhaustion that so many of us have been trapped in.

Your children see that adults are allowed to have needs and take care of themselves. Your friends see that it's possible to serve others without self-destruction. Your community benefits from having a version of you that's restored rather than depleted.

The nonprofit I was running? It actually became more effective when I started taking care of myself. I made better decisions, had more creative solutions, and could be more present for the people we were serving. Rest didn't make me less productive. It made me more sustainable.

What I Wish I Could Tell My Younger Self

If I could go back to that exhausted single mom trying to save everyone while slowly destroying herself, here's what I would say:

"Your worth isn't determined by how much you can endure. Your value isn't measured by how much you can sacrifice. Your strength isn't proven by how long you can go without rest.

Taking care of yourself isn't selfish. It's smart. It's sustainable. It's necessary.

The people who truly love you want you to be well, not worn out. The work you're doing is important, but you can't do it well if you're running on empty.

Rest now, before your body forces you to. Sleep now, before exhaustion makes the decision for you. Take care of yourself now, while you can still call it a choice."

Your Invitation to Rest

Sis, if you're reading this while running on fumes, carrying more than your share, feeling guilty every time you think about slowing down, I want you to hear this: You deserve rest right now. Not after you finish everything on your list. Not after everyone else is taken care of. Right now.

Your body is not a machine. Your worth is not determined by your productivity. Your strength is not measured by your ability to endure without support.

Start with permission. Move to practice. Trust the progress.

You don't have to wait until you're in a hospital bed to realize that rest isn't selfish. You can choose it now, as an act of wisdom, self-respect, and love for the people who need you to be sustainable, not just strong.

What would change in your life if you truly believed you were worthy of rest? What would you do differently today if you gave yourself permission to care for the person who takes care of everyone else?

The invitation is there. The permission is yours to give. The practice is waiting for you to begin.

A Prayer for Rest

Father, I confess I've been trying to be strong in my own strength instead of resting in Yours. I've confused my worth with my work and my value with my productivity. Help me to remember that You created rest as a gift, not a reward. Teach me to receive the rest You offer without guilt or shame. Show me how to care for the body and spirit You've entrusted to me. Give me wisdom to know when to say yes and courage to say no. Help me trust that You are working even when I am resting. In Jesus' name, Amen.

With love and deep respect for how much you're carrying,

Kalyn

What's one small way you can practice rest today? Drop it in the comments and let's encourage each other toward sustainability over burnout.

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Kalyn Fahie is a faith-based life coach and author who learned the hard way that rest isn't earned through exhaustion. She writes from her home in St. Thomas, USVI, where she's still practicing what she teaches about sustainable living.

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